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Tuesday, May 19th, 2026

Serving Sonoma County since yesterday

Press Dernocrat Daily

(a parody news source)

New Report Shows Petaluma High Test Scores at Historic Low

Researchers say student performance has dropped dramatically, placing local scores among the lowest measured nationally.

EDUCATION · 1 hour ago

Petaluma High School campus

A statewide review released Monday placed Petaluma High among the steepest year-over-year declines in California, with proficiency rates in math and reading falling to levels administrators described as “sobering.” District officials pledged emergency tutoring blocks and a community forum next Thursday, while parents lined the gymnasium asking whether phones, post-pandemic absences, or “whatever happened to homework” were to blame. State analysts cautioned that one report should not define a school, but conceded the numbers were “difficult to spin positively.”

Local News

Fighter jet display in Rohnert Park

LOCAL

Rohnert Park Unveils ‘Neighborhood Shield’ Fighter Jet on Retractable Lawn Mount

City leaders hailed the $40 million pilot program as “the future of suburban deterrence,” though FAA officials noted the jet has not left the ground and may never need to. Residents report improved sleep knowing “something loud is watching the outlet malls.”

3 hours ago

Cotati Square shopping area

PUBLIC SAFETY

Police Called to Cotati Square After Reported ‘Nail-Related Disturbance’

Witnesses said a woman accused a kiosk of selling “counterfeit acrylics” before addressing shoppers at random about cuticle integrity. Officers calmed the scene within twenty minutes; no injuries, one shattered sample tray.

5 hours ago

Around Sonoma County

Traffic on a Sonoma County wine country road

TRANSPORTATION

Highway 12 Backup Now Officially Measured in ‘Number of Wine Tastings Skipped’

CHP introduced a new commuter misery index after Tuesday’s three-hour stall between Santa Rosa and Sonoma. Drivers described the delay as “educational” if you enjoy stationary merlot introspection.

7 hours ago

Farmers market scene in Sebastopol

COMMUNITY

Sebastopol Farmers Market Issues All-Points Bulletin for ‘Very Opinionated’ Rooster

Vendors say the bird has vetoed three squash displays and “auditioned” for a kombucha booth. Animal control requests tips, preferably not in crow format.

9 hours ago

Foggy plaza in Cotati

CITY HALL

Deflated Tube Man in Cotati Plaza Declared ‘Passive-Aggressive Landmark’

Maintenance crews promised inflation by Friday; locals have begun leaving coffee cups in its floppy arms. The mayor called it “a metaphor we didn’t ask for.”

12 hours ago

Entertainment & Arts

Johnny Oliver statue in downtown Santa Rosa

ENTERTAINMENT

Downtown Santa Rosa Statue of Johnny Oliver Vandalized Overnight; Suspects Left Pretentious Note

The bronze likeness—commissioned to honor “a regional icon of questionable genre boundaries”—was found at dawn with novelty sunglasses welded on and a spray-painted quote attributed to “the real Oliver.” Police are reviewing security footage from a nearby guitar shop that may have been “emotionally involved.”

4 hours ago